Topic: Newbie mostly just wanting to know she’s not alone

English Alexithymia Forum > General Information

Newbie mostly just wanting to know she’s not alone
17.01.2020 by User40853F21

Hi I’m Natalia and I’m 26 years of age.

Really struggling to write this ironically enough and have already deleted my first 5 attempts to tell you about how I feel.

I’m in a relationship and last night my partner bared his soul to me about leaving his current workplace and how he’s feeling about it and I listened so carefully and took in everything he was saying; But then he asked what I thought and what I thought he should do and I replied with a panicked stupid completely intellectual response saying: “well I’m relying on you to drive it” complete fecking fail. Literally face palmed myself as soon as I said it. And of course it upset him greatly and he said I was stupid and I don’t care. I wasn’t trying to upset him I just didn’t know what I thought or how I felt about it and this has been an ongoing issue for me.

It’s difficult because I didn’t mean to appear like I don’t care or have no thoughts and feelings on the subject because I do, I just can’t verbalise or express them and he doesn’t understand.

I’m not sure I fully understand and I’ve only just come across the term Alexithymia yesterday when googling emotional detachment, trying to work out why I find it hard to express, relate to, even just experience deep emotions.

Being very upset is the emotion can experience best, and while I can be happy I don’t really get excited about things, even when they probably warrant it. For example: partner will come home with concert tickets and will be SO happy and show me and I am very happy but I just can’t overly experience it or make my body language/vocal tone reflect that excitement.

I feel really bad because I try really hard to listen and be understanding of my partner I just can’t respond or tell him how I feel and I know that hurts him :-(

Just want to hear some stories of other people who might be going through something similar. Would love to kickstart some discussion to help me be able elaborate on my own situation for you all. Any advice greatly appreciated.

17.01.2020 by Ely_Nog

It is okay to feel or react the way you do. Thats the way you have to Express things. I totally understand where you coming from and i also understand your husband side because im in that situation now.

My suggestion is to open up with your husband about how you process and see things in different ways as the rest and work as teams. Create codes and connections and commit with certains things.

A good psychologist would help you create the language u need to comminicate with each others.

18.01.2020 by User40853F21

Thanks for the reply. I would love to be able to see a psychologist but we live a long way from the nearest one and to be honest it would be hard to afford a decent one. And maybe a part of me is just reluctant to even try to talk.

I’m sorry your husband is like me. I’m sure he loves you very much. I know I love mine. Funnily enough I tell him lots, and he thinks it’s abit weird (because he’lol be complaining about his day and I’ll respond with I love you), but it’s the easiest most straightforward thing to say which says how I feel and the only thing I know to say to comfort him (especially if he’s had a particularly hard day). I am not very emotionally able to be there for him and this hurts me as much as it hurts him because it’s not for lack of wanting to.

I experience emotion and I’m able to be happy, sad, angry etc. but if someone asks me to elaborate I have nothing. I try and think about how I feel and I get confused. I often give generic responses to things without meaning to and experience pretty high anxiety when having conversations that go past hi how are you, good thanks.

I really appreciate your reply by the way. It’s nice to hear from someone on the other side.

18.01.2020 by Ely_Nog

Thank you dear. Dont blame yourself for this. "Shit happens in life and sometimes we get the lucky number" i know my prince has feelings for me even though he says he doesnt feel anything for me while is cudding me and make sure i have my breakfast and
lunch ready to take to work before i wake up lol. But i have learned to accept him for who he is and work with that.

And all i can tell to you is to talk to your husband and explain him what's going on and how you process certain things. And you will see how things will change for better.

Use internet, YouTube to watch videos about this topic. That will help, i did the same when i discovered this name and helped me a looooot.

18.03.2020 by OldAuntie

I'm 46 and I've had things like this happen a fair few times. I've learned to say something like "this is a lot to take in all at once. I love that you trust me enough to tell me all of this but I'd really like to take a bit of time to think and process it all before I commit to anything." When you think about it it was kind of unfair of him. I imagine he's been thinking about this for weeks if not months and he dumps it on you all at once and expects you to have an informed and thoughtful opinion right off the cuff. Just because we're atypical that doesn't mean we're automatically the ones who are wrong.

04.08.2021 by User69084J69

Hi there, 26 year old female here also struggling in my relationship. Luckily he’s very patient and understanding with my inability to show emotion. I just am always on the fence about the relationship because I dont know how I feel about it. He knows I care about him but I don’t always know how to say it or honestly feel it. Don’t know if I’ve ever felt that deep feeling of love. I’m content in the relationship just hard to feel those deep feelings you see in the movies or at the alter at weddings. Just don’t know if I’m capable of that so I completely understand. I also struggle showing excitement like you. For example every family vacation we go on my mom constantly asks me “are you having a good time” “are you okay?” And it honestly drives me crazy because I’m not good at showing excitement. I’ve struggled with that since I was a child. Having to show fake excitement for a Christmas gift that I wanted was a real challenge for me. I think you and also your partner just have to accept that this is how you are. I really don’t know if there’s a way to “fix” this condition I guess it’s pretty rare.

05.08.2021 by Alexej

I really don’t know if there’s a way to “fix” this condition I guess it’s pretty rare.

I would agree that this is not "fixable". It is a trait - that means that it part of who I am full stop. I can learn some strategies to cope and my my can learn how I am