Topic: I scored high on the test, however...

English Alexithymia Forum > Questions and Answers

I scored high on the test, however...
18.11.2021 by kymow

I scored high on that test, however, I am not convinced that I might have Alexithymia yet. I know seeing a proper specialist is the only way to know for sure, but I'd just like some input from others who actually have been diagnosed and see if any of this is something they relate to. Thanks in advance.

For as long as I can remember, I have never been able to communicate my feelings and emotions clearly. In situations where I have needed to do so, I stutter and stumble across my words, my mind goes blank when I try to think of descriptive words, and any words I do come up with are not quite the right ones that I feel explains what I'm feeling. I often give up when trying to communicate these things because I get so frustrated at not being able to explain myself. Frustration seems to be the only emotion I feel on a regular basis and one of the only ones I can actually confidently identify in myself.

Emotionally, I am always at a base level of neutrality. Nothing good, nothing bad. I rarely ever feel things on a small scale let alone feeling strongly enough to physically react. I believe I can recognize happiness, and sadness, but when I feel these things it is never for longer than maybe half an hour at a time, and, like I mentioned, it's felt on a very small scale.

Friends and family have expressed to me that I am very stoic and I lack empathy. I've been told I am emotionally distant and confusing and hard to read by many people. I also offend people unintentionally often because they misread (or rather, I miscommunicate) my feelings or tone/intent.

Here's the thing though - I can understand and read other people's emotions no problem. In social situations, I know what others are feeling and thinking by reading body language, facial expressions, etc. and I pick up on these things quicker and with more accuracy than other people around me seem to. (this has been confirmed by other close friends and family numerous times.) However, even though I understand what others are feeling, I, myself, cannot feel or relate to those feelings whatsoever. I know this may just be a lack of empathy, (which I'm sure is also coming into play anyways) but I sometimes think that everything that I understand about emotions do not apply to me because I have never truly felt what others seem to be feeling. (as far as I know)

I am always so intrigued and curious when listening to people talk about their feelings because everything they say is new information for me. It helps me understand emotions (still, only in other people) more, cause how am I supposed to describe something I have never felt? The people I talk to are always off-put by my reaction and questions when they talk about their feelings. e.g. they reply with things along the lines of "What? you've never felt 'insert emotion' before?" after I ask them to elaborate on a feeling. These conversations are what helps me navigate the emotional and social intricacies. (In other words, I fake my excitement, happiness, sadness, etc. because I know that's what is socially right. I just don't actually feel those things.

I research emotion wheels and read different definitions, and, conceptually, I understand what these emotions are, I just have never felt anything like them, or have never even realized that I'm feeling those things.

Thanks so much if you've stuck around and read this entire thing, you rock.