Topic: Emotional unattachment

English Alexithymia Forum > General Information

Emotional unattachment
02.01.2022 by GSC_PreLapsed06

Im about to be 16 years old now and ive been feeling this way for quite a long time but not forever. Before my mother and my biological father split up i was as innocent as could be and after that i lost a little bit of that, however some of it was still there. Those times were simple for me and everything i had questions for regarding my emotions or thoughts i could usually pretty easily answer or find an answer to. Eventually my mother and my step dad who i call my real dad even to this day considering i have not seen my biological father in many years split up as well. This caused me to become much more distant with both of them and myself as i was angry at my mother and my step father was very emotional at the time and i found it hard to comfort him or empathize with him even though i was feeling pain regarding the matter as well. I felt as though i could perfectly understand what he was feeling however i could not put it into words or express it whatsoever. Soon after that time i got into my first serious relationship with a girl who would not let the relationship come out of secret even after i waited a full year with her. I grew tired of this and one night told her if she did not tell her parents about having a boyfriend i did not want to do it anymore and so in an emotional fit she eventually did, but by the time she finally did i had already become distant and pushed her away. Between all the things she did to me like lie about being hurt to get me to sympathize with her and show more emotion and telling me bad things about me that i was insecure about i had become almost completely and utterly unattached from all of my emotions unless they involved her. About 6 months after that i got into a new relationship however i ruined it by lying saying i had experienced violence to try and get her to feel as though we were more connected, considering she really had experienced violence from her step father when she was much younger. And all though at the time i thought i was doing it in good intentions, i now realize that it was a horrible thing to do and can not imagine how i could have believed it was meant to be good. I believe i was subconciously acting the same way my first girlfriend had to me as i had experienced it before and now felt it was normal whether i knew it or not. After that relationship ended i was depressed for a few months but it was not nearly as bad as the first time i had split paths with a relstionship. After some time alone i realized i was not fully “over” my first girlfriend and i needed closure as i had just blocked her without saying goodbye or anything of the matter. And because of this i got back into her life and we got back together for a few months or so but during this time i had no emotional feeling toward her and only an unconscious feeling of attachment. When i realized this i ended things and moved on finally having gotten my closure, happy that i could now be free from the attachment i had to her for multiple years. Every relationship i have been in after that i have been completely unable to feel any emotions towards my partner in the relationship and the only thing i felt for them was sexual desire if even that. I have now been alone for a while now still sometimes engaging in some kind of sexual encounter with different females quite often, but nothing compares to what i felt the first time i was in love. I have not felt much emotion in a long time and my thoughts are starting to become annoying to be around and i am mentally exhausted. I would never even consider harming myself at this point but i do wish i could feel emotions no matter how good or bad they may be. I have become so emotionally guarded and disassociated that even when i try to force myself to open up i make no progress. I have not known anybody very well that has shared with me a similar experience or state of mind and was just wondering if anybody would read this and understand. Thanks for reading.

04.01.2022 by User9698cA72

I believe I understand, but being able to speak on it is a little more difficult. I also have divorced parents. My heart has only had feelings for one person, even though that was years ago. Its difficult to show people close to us that we want to understand/be there for them. I understand why telling someone you went through an experience (even when you hadn't) is a way to show them you care/feel closer, I've tried it as well. Making new friends is difficult, but the right person will be willing to wait for you to open up on your own time.

I've been in my current relationship for 3+ years and I can tell you, it's not someone else that makes you feel. I've felt the same boring way the past year and a half the only times I feel better is when I'm doing what I want (like riding my bike or working out). But of course that feeling is nothing compared to how my first love made me feel, I do hope we can find that feeling again one day.

Ps. Im sorry if I didn't make you feel understood, but I can relate. Thank you for sharing!

13.01.2022 by reclutched

ill just add something cause i share some similar things and i see your 16 and im 26. at 16 i was in a pretty bad state mentally for well a long ass time and it felt good to read people who experienced similar things even if it was online to get a different perspective. i pretty much never had a dad they split when i was like 3 or some shit and talked with him on the phone only till like 12. I never have had any emotions really in a relationship or friendship so far in my life except when i was very very young and it feels pretty sad when i think about it. If i had anything significant to tell you at 16 years old, what i would tell myself if i could go back would just get out of your head. It is hard, i would be mentally exhausted all the time around that age also thinking of all the bullshit going on with me trying to dive deep into my thoughts about why i feel this way. If you do this, it may seem productive possibly or feel good but when i look back at what i was doing it only made things worse. I developed habits and things like that mentally that just are not healthy. I don't know about you but school was hell for me when you realize you feel no emotions with the friends or people you meet, you feel so distanced from everyone. Try to quiet your mind from all the thinking, your probably in highschool and ill tell you i missed out on so many great experiences because i was in my head to much thinking. You are a lot better then me already at 16 i never attempted to open up at all and the fact that you attempt it is great. not sure if you got anything from this im sort of confused at what im saying but i do care cause around ur age i could of took a couple more risks and put myself out there and it could have changed my life around for the better. So try to quiet your mind more with all the chaos and keep trying to open up to people. try not to care what people think of you. If you get any opportunity to put yourself out there more, like hang out with someone, join a sport, anything you should do it. Even just being there is doing something and doing something is usually better then doing nothing at all. Try hard to find the positives in everything, that is important. it is easy to dwell on the negative but you always gain something such as experience which counts for a lot! For example be grateful you have sexual encounters with females at your age, there is many guys who don't have any. i mean at that age i was a pussy with girls lol i didn't get shit.